


Oh Jeez

by Kestrealbird



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humour, Jack no, Jack you son of a bitch, Matchmaker Moxxi, Moxxi's gonna love hearing this story, Multi, Nerd Rhys, Nisha and her SASS, Pre-Sequel Jack, Rhys doesnt know whats happening and thats a big mood, Timothy's Suffering, Wilhelm just wants a goddamn drink, it'd be better than dealing with this shit, just eat your own tongue Rhys, me not knowing wtf I'm even doing but enjoying it anyway, vault hunter au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-14 11:27:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13589091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kestrealbird/pseuds/Kestrealbird
Summary: Rhys keeps getting involved in Jack's business without meaning to, and eventually the Vault Hunter decides "screw it" and keeps him around for good.





	1. Moxxi's Bar

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAHAHAHAHAHA IVE WANTED THIS AU SINCE TFTBL ENDED BUT I GUESS I GOTTA WRITE IT MYSELF 
> 
> Okay but srsly idk how to write these characters hhhhhhh help m e I hope this is decent

All he’d wanted was a drink. Simple. Moxxi’s place was nearby and she always served the best fruity drinks Rhys could get his hands on, so it had been a natural course of action to hitch a ride and slide into her bar with a smile on his face. He wasn’t a regular by any means - he didn’t have the money for that - but he appeared often enough that Moxxi recognized him almost instantly and was half-way through making his drink when he sat on one of the barstools.

“Haven’t seen you for a while, sugar.”

Rhys laughed, running a hand through his hair with a grimace at the dirt he felt. “Yeah, well, be kinda busy trying not to die, you know?” The place was more crowded than usual, he noted, and a quick look at the message board told him why. “Another Vault?”

Moxxi nodded, rolling her eyes at the prospect of it all. She wasn’t exactly secretive about her disdain for the things; she preferred people who actually _worked_ their way into money and didn’t just jump onto the first quick method that they heard about through the grapevine. There were very few Vault Hunters that Moxxi actually liked, and even fewer that she’d actively pursue for a ‘night on the town’ as it were.

Sliding his drink over the counter, Moxxi smiled with a knowing gleam in her eye. Rhys downed half his drink to try and cover his own nerves. “So,” she drawled, “what trouble did you get into this time?”

“Trouble? What-what trouble? I didn’t - I mean I haven’t - haven’t done anything Moxxi I don’t know what you’re-” she raised a thin brow at his stumbling words, tapping a nail against the counter with purpose. He deflated under her gaze, pouting at his drink like a scolded puppy. “...Psycho’s don't appreciate having their shit stolen,” he mumbled.

“Oh sugar, you _didn’t_ ,” Moxxi laughed, shaking her head at him.

He bristled, “in my defence it was left unguarded and there wasn’t exactly a sign saying ‘hey this bike belongs to a psycho, don't steal it unless you want to _die_ ’.”

“What would you want a bike for anyway?”

“...I wanted to take it apart and see if I could use it’s parts for anything.”

Moxxi gave him a blank, unimpressed look.

Rhys was obsessed with anything that was mechanical or cybernetic, and more than once this obsession had gotten him into more trouble than it was probably worth, and Moxxi had grown accustomed to seeing him in varying states of mussed up and bruised over the few short years she’d known him. That obsession had been what lead to him making himself a cybernetic arm, even though his first attempts - at least from what she’d heard - had been more than just ‘unsuccessful’.

Still, he was an endearing sort of boy and definitely a change from the usual people she saw passing through her bar. If she wasn’t so fond of his company, she might’ve tried to get him into her bed - or the back room, at least - but most of her bed partners had a habit of dying after a while, and she didn’t really fancy having his death on her conscience.

Besides, the kid was too enamoured with _certain famous Vault Hunters_ to really consider her an option. Speaking of…

She glanced down the room to look at the people sitting in a table in the corner, wondering how Rhys hadn’t spotted them yet. She chalked it up to the fact that their faces were obscured by low-brimmed hats, if only to preserve the boys dignity. Her eye caught a familiar figure walking in through the door, and a wicked idea came to her mind instantly.

“Hey, sugar,” she pointed down to the man who’d just walked in, his purple punk styled hair and heavy boots almost standing out thanks to his height, “I think your ex just walked in.”

Rhys choked on his drink, skin paling, and he muttered a quiet, “oh _shit_ ,” scanning the bar for any kind of escape route.

“Hide between those big boys down in the dark corner,” she urged him, hiding her wicked smile behind her hands. Rhys looked briefly panicked at the idea, but the thought of dealing with his ex made him jump to his feet, and within seconds he was weaving through the crowd with surprising speed, leaping between the two men that Moxxi had pointed out with a quick apology, and curling up with his back to one of them and his feet pressed flat against the sofa.

He tugged down his beanie in an effort to hide himself better, inwardly praying that they wouldn’t kick him out of the booth and leave him to the mercy of his dickheaded ex-boyfriend. Even in his nervous state, he couldn’t help but notice that the guy he was leaning against felt, well, _broad_ and _muscular_.

 _Oh god,_ he thought as dread filled his stomach; Moxxi had set him up hadn't she?

*

Nisha wasn't sure what _happened_ , exactly, but one minute she was complaining about all the upstarts trying to get in on their Vault Hunting action with Jack, and the next a kid was leaping _over_ Jack and sliding down into a ball between him and Wilhelm as if _that_ was a normal thing to do.

Frowning, she gestured to the kid with a dramatic curl to her lip. Jack looked at him with a blank face and Wilhelm chugged his beer before he pointed to Moxxi.

Across the room Moxxi waved at them, pointing to a guy that was trying to pull off a punk badass look but failing and reminding Nisha of a punkass bitch instead. The sympathetic look on Timothy’s face told them all the translation they needed to know.

Either this kid didn't know who they were - which was bullshit because who _didn't_ know them? - or he was just plain _desperate_.

Well Jack sure as hell didn’t seem to mind having him there at least, so, with a heavy sigh and a muttered “you owe me like, ten drinks, asshole” Nisha kept an eye on the punk bitch with a bored look as her companions drained the rest of their drinks.

“The guys gone into the back rooms, kid.”

The kid twisted his head to scan the crowd just in case, slumping with relief. “Thank go-”

Nisha could pinpoint the exact momemt he realized just _whose_ company he was in; the wide eyes, skin paling the...blush on his face when he looked at Jack?

 _What do you know_ , she mused, _Jack has a fanboy afterall_. Then, quick as lightning and before anyone could grab him, the kid was off like a shot, yelling a quick “thanksforyourhelpgottagonowbye” over his shoulder as he went.

“That was...interesting,” Timothy said.

Jack whistled as he watched the kid disappear out the door, grinning wolfishly when he caught Moxxi’s eye. “Damn did you see the legs on that boy? Swear they go on for _days_.”

Wilhelm groaned, sliding down his seat. “Oh my god, Jack, stop ruining innocent meetings like this.”


	2. Forest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Wait you’re already leaving? There’s no way you already went to that Vault, right?” Jack spun quickly around, startling Rhys so badly that he took a step backwards, narrowing his eyes at the seemingly offhand remark.
> 
> “Vault?” He repeated, slowly.
> 
> “Did-did I say Vault?” Rhys stuttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear if this becomes M-Rated I'm blaming Jack entirely. Anyway I hope Ya'll are ready for the worst adventure you're ever going to read lmao. I love these nerds but god they're a pain to write sometimes

The first thing Jack said when Timothy came running through the foliage, out of breath and frantically cussing out the Skag that Wilhelm shot on sight, was a very simple, very blunt, “what the fuck, man.”

It’s not the first time Tim had brought back a stray - case in point: Wilhelm and all the fucking cats they keep finding everywhere - and it probably won't be the last, but this is definitely the first time that Jack _recognised_ the stray he brought in. Nisha let out a whistle from behind him, and he didn't need to turn around to see the shark like grin on her face.

Timothy made a vague gesture with his arms, trying and failing to really explain the situation, and Wilhelm tilted his head, eyebrow rising. “You’re the guy from the bar.” The guy swallowed, eyes nervously flicking between Timothy and the path they’d just run out of.

Nisha doesn't wait for him to make a decision on whether he should try to run or not. Jack isn't surprised in the slightest. “What's your name, kiddo?” Jack scowled at her for stealing his word, annoyed at the audacity of it all.

The guy bit his lip, considered his options, and then quietly replied “Rhys.” He stood up on shaky legs, nervously clutching the strap of his backpack, and Jack finally took in his dishevelled appearance. Those jeans looked pretty damn nice on him though. Really showed off his assets (ha!). “L-look, um, back in the bar? Yeah um that was - I mean yeah I probably could’ve jumped out the window instead but Moxxi was the one who told me to hide between _you_ and it’s not like I could see your faces and I wasn’t thinking because he was _right there_ and I didn’t really-”

Jack snorted, cutting off his rambling with an amused tilt of his lips and shoved his hands into his pockets. “You saying that you wouldn’t have jumped into my lap if you knew who I was?” Rhys opened his mouth to defend himself, but no words came and instead he bristled, a frustrated noise escaping his throat as he glared at Jack.

Not many people had the nerve to do that, these days, so Jack gave him props for his bravery, at least. Even if his socks looked _ridiculous_.

“I found him trying to take apart a bike and then that fucking Skag jumped out at us, which by the way, thanks for _warning me there are Skags here, Jack, I really appreciated it!_ ” Timothy jabbed a finger into his chest accusingly, chest heaving from his own anger, and the distant sound of bandits shooting off a shotgun, followed by very loud cursing, made them all instantly curious about what had pissed them off.

Rhys stiffened immediately, nervously chuckling as he attempted to excuse himself from their presence. Wilhelm blocked the way, smiling sharp as a knife all the while.

“What did you do, kid?” He rumbled, crossing his arms for a better effect.

Rhys gulped. After a moment consideration he sunk to his knees and sighed, dejected. “I hacked into their security and basically told them to kiss my ass when they threatened to gut me on a pike,” he mumbled, face flushing at his own lack of self-preservation.

“How are you still alive?” Timothy sounded genuinely baffled by him, and for a moment Jack thought that he might actually cry for the poor soul in front of them.

Rhys bristled, snapping back a disgruntled, “ _you’re_ asking _me_ that question?”

That was a fair response, Jack reasoned, given all the shit they’d gotten themselves into without thinking of back-up plans first. But, hey, you didn’t get far in their line of work without being adaptable to unforeseen variables. Under different circumstances he might have given Rhys the time of day, but he wasn’t much interested in picking fights unnecessarily.

Shrugging this whole meeting off he turned back to their van, hoisting his backpack into the backseat as Nisha slid into the passenger side.

“Wait you’re already leaving? There’s no way you already went to that Vault, right?” Jack spun quickly around, startling Rhys so badly that he took a step backwards, narrowing his eyes at the seemingly offhand remark.

“Vault?” He repeated, slowly.

“Did-did I say Vault?” Rhys stuttered, “heh, must have been a slip of the tongue, anyway it’s been cool seeing you, um, up close I guess but I really gotta go so-”

Timothy seized his arm, eyeing his backpack with a newfound interest.

They’d only come into this Forest for a brief respite, stretching their legs and gathering food as they planned their next course of action. They weren’t going to stay here long, originally, but if a Vault really was here, and Rhys wasn’t lying through his teeth which seemed _very_ unlikely, then those plans would change just as quickly as any other.

Half an hour later found Jack leaning over Rhys’ shoulder in the back of the van, arm placed on the back of Rhys’ chair as he watched the boy work, bringing up files and maps and coding that he’d stolen from the bandits earlier, nervously shivering whenever Jack’s breath brushed against his skin, but never once did he falter in his explanations of what he’d found.

To say Jack was impressed at the kid’s skills was an understatement. It took a lot of guts to sneak into a bandit base, but telling them to kiss your ass after you hacked into their systems and stole everything they knew about a Vault? Jack always was into the competent types, and damn did Rhys have a lot going for him right now - ugly socks notwithstanding, because not everyone could be as perfect as Jack himself or Nisha.

Tapping his fingers against the desk, he tilted his head in thought. Rhys stopped talking, waiting patiently to hear what he would say, as if Jack was his _boss_ or something, and wow did that image _do things_ for him. “Do you have the Key with you?” He doubted it, but there was no harm in asking.

Predictably, Rhys shook his head ‘no’. “Neither do the Bandits,” he replied, “if they did I would’ve seen it somewhere, but it looks like they were in the middle of looking for it when I borrowed all this.”

Nisha chuckled. “Borrowed, huh? And what were you gonna do with all this info?”

“Sell it.” Rhys’ response didn’t miss a single beat, the blunt honesty making Jack double over with laughter next to him. Wilhelm wasted no time in starting the Van’s engine, Timothy climbing in beside him despite Nisha’s adamant protest that the passenger side was her seat and no-one else’s, and Jack straightened his posture, ruffling Rhys’ hair as he thought of all the gloating he’d get to do later. “A-ha, so, er, I can leave now right?”

Jack’s grin was a sharp and deadly thing, eyes darkening as he thought of all the benefits having Rhys around would give them. He could dump him somewhere after this excursion was over, but until then…

“Oh, Rhysie,” he purred, “you’re gonna help us find a Vault. Now isn’t that _exciting_?”


End file.
